I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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