What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
