my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize