Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You may now shotgun with the bride
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
