Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize