So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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