Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
