ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
