I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
