Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize