my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
