I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
