Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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