saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
