My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
