I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
