"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
