I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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