Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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