I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
