You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
