I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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