I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
