I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
