I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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