I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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