I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
