I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
