the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have demons in me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
