oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
