we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize