I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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