well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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