She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
