got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
