If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
