I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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