I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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