Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
