so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
