and you said cock pushups were impossible
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
