My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
