Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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