is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
