between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
