i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
