omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
