Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
