I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
