I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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