I wish I could teleport
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
