I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize