I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
